HOME MADE LAUGH

A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a ‘PHONE CALL’ so that the kids will not decode.

One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that, "Daddy wants to make a phone call.

Mother replies: Tell your Dad that the Network is down today.

Dad to his son, "Go tell your mother that if there is

no Network at home, I will go to a Public Phone”..

Mother tells her son to go and tell his dad, "if he dares go to a Public Phone, she will open a Call Center at home.

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 

'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis!'

The other one replies,

'Actually I think it's working just fine..... I'm down to two butts a day.'

***IF YOU LAUGH, YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

This really is a true story about the bond
formed between a little girl and a group of building workers in
Corringham, Essex. It is true and might help to confirm your belief in
the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
race.............


                          Last April a young family moved into a house
next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned
up to start building on the plot.

                          The young family's 4 year-old daughter
naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and
started talking with the workers whilst perched on the low garden
wall.She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of
gold,and kids of their own, more or less adopted the little girl as a
sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, and she ate her lunch
prepared by her mum at 12noon when the builders stopped for theirs.
                          They even gave the child her very own hard
hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely, so she could play with
the sand and small trowel they had also given her.
                          At the end of the first week, the smiling
builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in
10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who
suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a
savings account.
                          At the bank, the female cashier was tickled
pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the
building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
                          'You must have worked very hard to earn all
this', said the cashier.
                          The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I
worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big
house.'

                          'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier,
'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
                          The child thought for a moment. Then she
said seriously:

                          'I think so. Provided those poxy wAnkers at
Jewsons deliver the fUcking bricks.'

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."



I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach.
I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..



Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk."
Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a curry."



My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a huge arse.



Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one, Leroy, I'm not talking about your lot."




Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the discovery channel?



The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"



My son was sent home from school for swearing today.
I said what did you say?
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.




An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin
and ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........
They had no idea they had a Job Centre!



Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up!



Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship ...............
She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"



A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?
The woman says "sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
" Not a clue" he says "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"



The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue
dogs they sent out .
They said they were delicious!



 My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!